Thoughts on Unfinished Things

[maplemood]

Last week I started working on an original short story, and yesterday I quit working on it. Not that what I'd written was bad--they're a few parts that I happen to like a lot--but there just wasn't enough there to keep it going. Spark, heart, whatever you want to call it. For that reason I'm not upset that I abandoned it...I'm more upset with myself, because I know why I tried to write something I didn't even want to write in the first place: as much as I love writing fanfic, I never feel like it's enough. I really wish I did.

I wrote and posted my first piece of fanfic this April (or maybe this March). Before that, I'd been struggling with my writing for a good year. I wasn't writing what I wanted to be writing, and therefore I wasn't finishing anything I tried to write, let alone enjoying it. I knew I wanted to write fanfic, but convinced myself I didn't because I also wanted to be a professional writer and if I wanted to be a professional writer I needed to focus on writing original stuff and getting it published. Then, around April or March, I hit rock bottom, read the chapter in Big Magic where Elizabeth Gilbert tells you to get out there and do whatever the heck you want. I decided to do whatever the heck I wanted.

The thing is, I still absolutely believe I made the right decision. Writing fanfic has made me a better writer. It's helped me meet some wonderful people. It's made me love writing again, and it's something I want to keep on doing for the rest of my life. But good grief, I can't shake the feeling that it's not what I "should" be writing. I have published a few original short stories, which is wonderful, but every time I look at the list and see that my last story went up in 2016 (which isn't even that long ago) all I feel is anxiety. I need to be producing more of this stuff. I need to "build a platform" as an original writer. I need to--

Yeah. It goes on like that for a while.

I used to write original short stories. I don't want to anymore. At least not now. It's all very simple, and I know that doesn't make me a bad writer, but I feel like it does.
 
Welp, this turned out to be less "Thoughts on Unfinished Things" and more "Thoughts on My All-Consuming Anxiety", which I'm sure will be an uplifting and compelling read. Ugh. But it's out of my head now, at least for a little while, and that can only be a good thing.

Comments

[skye_writer]

I feel this so deeply. I can't remember the last time I wrote purely original fiction. Maybe... NaNoWriMo 2015? Most of what I've written since then is fanfic. I definitely don't regret it at all--I've written a lot of stuff, and most it's been fairly good--but I understand the feeling that I Should Be doing original fic and trying to get established as a writer and all that. And I don't even know how to write short stories! >__< I'm trying to change that, but sometimes I wonder if I'm even cut out to be a professional writer or if I should just stick to it as a hobby. In spite of the degree I got.

Okay this kind of turned into me talking about me, but I just wanted to say I know where you're coming from. I think you should do what you want to do, even if that's fanfic. Just because it's not "professional" doesn't mean it's not worth your time. :)

[maplemood]

Feel free to vent! I'm feeling a lot better today, but I also get that feeling of "maybe I'm just not professional writer material" a LOT. And then I have to remind myself that it really doesn't matter. Getting recognition for your writing is great, but you're not going to care if you don't love what you've written and if you didn't enjoy writing it.

[juliandarling]

Totally hear you!! I've always tried to balance the two, because I know fanfiction gives me so much space to try stuff out and fail (spectacularly) and not be perfect.

[maplemood]

Yeah, I think that there's a lot more room to experiment in fanfic and try new things. I really do feel that my writing's gotten stronger because of it, but at the same time I miss working on more original stuff. Things do tend to balance out when I don't stress over them too much, though.

[paynesgrey]

I totally understand about your writing feelings. I hope you find what makes you happy in writing and stick with it.

[maplemood]

Thanks. :) I've been feeling a lot better lately; the stress comes and goes but at the end of the day I really do feel that I'm writing what I want to be writing, which is wonderful.

[harmlesscult]

I know this feeling and situation all too well! Fan fiction is super useful for improving skills and confidence as a writer, plus, I think it's super important and such a special part of fan culture. Basically, write all the fanfic and enjoy it. I do hope you can find the enthusiasm for an original project soon.

I'm kinda trying to get back into the habit of writing again as well. I'm thinking of using the momentum of nanowrimo to make it happen. 🤞🏽

[maplemood]

Oh gosh, I could go on about how important and special fanfic is for days--like I really, truly believe it matters, and matters a lot--but there's still this tiny part of my brain that keeps going, "Well sure it does, but..." I've been getting a little better at just not listening, though.

Thanks! I hope you get back into the habit of writing, too. Nanowrimo is a great time to set goals and just get a story written. I'm thinking of setting some writing/wordcount goals for myself then, too.